I’ve kept my mouth shut for a long time – mainly because I know I’m not the only person who suffers silently through this – but it’s finally time for me to ask people to kindly shut the fuck up and stop asking me about my ovaries, when I’m going to have another baby, and why I haven’t tried yet.
I have tried. Believe me I have tried. Three babies lost tried. Relationship damaged tried. Self esteem broken tried. Age wearied tried. I have really fucking tried.
I’m not writing this and sharing it so that you can give me sympathy, either. I’m doing it because there needs to be more awareness out there for those who do suffer in silence. For those whose whole lives are centred around trying so hard.
I am well aware I am a single, 40 year old and ‘past my prime’. I do not need you to tell me that. So please, just don’t.
No one beats themselves up more than I do that Kalee is a single child. No one cries more tears at night over the fact that she is often forced to play alone because she has no siblings. No one’s heart breaks more every time Kalee refers to her cousins as her sisters, because she has no one else. The guilt is overwhelming and the sadness even more so.
So please. The next time you want to mean well and ask me about recreating the perfection that is my first child. Please don’t.
Instead, just tell me she’s a good kid. Tell me she’s well behaved. Tell me she’s funny, crazy, loud, independent… whatever comes to your mind. But just focus on her. The kid that is here and making my life a joy.
Thinking of the ones that could have been does nothing but break my heart.